tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Bring me that man meat
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
