I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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