On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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