Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
