my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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