I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
