omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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