You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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