If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Randomize
