you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
