I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
