Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
