At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hippo gnu deer
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
