My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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