I got chris browned last night
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
