just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
