Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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