Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
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They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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