I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
