The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
