i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
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I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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