I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
