hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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