I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
