im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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