Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
