I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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