they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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