he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
