Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
