do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
