just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
