My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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