tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
