His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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