i was rollin on her like bob the builder
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
