I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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