Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
