We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
