my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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