Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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