my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You left your phone here
Wait...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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