Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
