You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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