Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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