i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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