Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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