you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
