Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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