He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
