Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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