I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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