Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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