This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
