I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
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What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
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Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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